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FASS 2005: Evil sidekicks Dex. T. Rose (Mohammad Jangda), Buzz Glucose (Don Baker) and Sue C. Rose (Emma Connon).

FASS 1997 - Songs

Come See the Show
(You Oughta Know)

FASS will  reveal to you life at UW
From King Arthur to a strange rendezvous

Another FASS show's begun
And we're having more fun
Than anyone should have in a theatre
And all the ladies and lords
Are gonna sharpen the swords
To finally bring you a show like no other

And we trashed every class doing FASS
We won't pass so we'll have to transfer to some other faculty
        Dance!
And every night throughout the month
We have cursed every verse at rehearsal
Until we cried, 'til we cried,
But we have survived

This is FASS, and we want you
To enjoy the show that we've  got this year
Yes, it's FASS and we need you
And your eight bucks to pay for the beer
You, you, you see the show.

You will like the sets, they were built by techs
They've done lights and sound, and special effects

We've got some talented techs, although they are nervous wrecks
You gotta understand that they are a danger
And please give us a hand for our incredible band
Even though rhythm to them is a stranger.

And we trashed every class doing FASS
We won't pass so we'll have to transfer to some other faculty
        Dance!
And every night throughout the month
We have cursed every verse at rehearsal
Until we cried, 'til we cried,
But we have survived
  
This is FASS and we want you
To sit back, relax, and enjoy the show
Yes, we're FASS and we've brought you
One of the best shows in Ontario
We hope you love the show.

Premier Mike
(The Grinch Song)

You're Ontario, Premier Mike
Tough as Canadian Shield
Your soul's as dark as Timmins' mines,
You have Guelph's sex appeal, Premier Mike
With a heart as hard as Hamiltonian steel
 
You're a golf pro, Premier Mike
And you've teed us off, you yutz
You don't do things the fair way,
You slice with every cut, Premier Mike
You're gonna sink this province like a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot putt
 
You'll destroy us, Premier Mike
You're worse than a locust swarm
You've dumbed down education,
And you botched welfare reform, Premier Mike
You're so cold that you make even Kapuskasing feel warm

Wizard Merlin
(Mr. Sandman)

Wizard Merlin, send us a king
Make him a ruler whose praises we'll sing
Someone who's brave like good old King Uther
And certainly less evil than Lex Luthor
Merlin, we're of one voice
Let hocus-pocus help make the choice
And with a zip-zap-ka-zing
Wizard Merlin, send us a king
 
Wizard Merlin, send us a liege
Give him what he wants; it's noblesse oblige
Let him be monarch and Lord Protector
As well as fire chief and meat inspector
Merlin, cast us a spell
Without a king, we're going to Hell
Once again, we must beseech
Wizard Merlin, send us a liege
 
Wizard Merlin, send us a king
Then let our enemies feel Camelot's sting
We'll march through Europe attackin' and siegin'
Each Frenchman, German, Scot, Dane, and Norwegian
Wizard Merlin, you're our best hope
If you were Catholic, we'd make you the Pope
So let's see what your magic brings
Wizard Merlin, send us a king
 

King Arthur Song, Part I
(Brady Bunch)

HELENA: Here's the story of a King named Arthur
        On a quest to do deeds that would gain him fame.
BETTE:  So the first thing that he did was kill a woman
        And Bertha was her name.

King Arthur Song, Part II
(Brady Bunch)

MARION: Here's the story of a king named Arthur
        Who let Sir Lancelot boink Guinevere
        Then he slept with Morgan
                        who was his half-sister
        He's not too bright, that's clear--

King Arthur Song, Part III
(Brady Bunch)

        Till the one day when King Arthur met good Robin
        Whose Merry Men did like to wear green tights
        Since both men had been played by Sean Conn'ry
        They joined forces to become the Merry Knights
 
        The Merry Knights, the Merry Knights
        That's the way they all became the Merry Knights

The Royal Nookie Chambers
(Wells Fargo Wagon)

ALL:       Oh, in the Royal Nookie Chambers,
           There'll be fun galore tonight
           Do whatever turns you on
           Cuz in the Royal Nookie Chambers,
           We're all gonna score tonight
           It's an orgy of sex from dusk till dawn
 
SINGER 1:  We have a big four poster bed you can be tied to
SINGER 2:  And whips and chains sure to leave you raw
SINGER 3:  Maybe you want goats or sheep or chickens
SINGER 4:  Or two french girls who will join you in a menage a trois
 
ALL:       Oh, yes, the Royal Nookie Chambers 
           Are a great facility
           With something for ev'ryone
           And in the Royal Nookie Chambers,
           Serfs and nobility
           Yes, they all come together when they come
 
SINGER 5:  Oh, do you want to watch the action through a peep hole?
SINGER 6:  Do you desire a Sapphic romance?
SINGER 7:  Are you relatively into incest?
SINGER 8:  And is the horizontal mambo what you want to dance?
 
ALL:       Oh, yes, the Royal Nookie Chambers are a busy place
           They are now the kingdom's hottest hot spot
           You could have a knight, a lady, or a peasant farmer
           Or you could have
           (Yes, you could have, if you're lucky, then you could have)
           The royal king of
           (Yes, that's Arthur, he's the king of, horny king of)
           Camelot

Obligatory Lesbian Love Song
(King Herod's Song)

KATE:      Guinevere, I'm overjoyed
           To hold you in my arms
           I'm afraid I can't resist
           Succumbing to your charms
           This may sound queer
           Cuz I can't be straight
           Oh, Guinevere, I love you so
           Please let me demonstrate
 
GUINEVERE: Wait, I don't understand
           Don't we still need a man?
           Oh, who will lead when we dance?
           Most of all, who'll wear the pants?
           Yes, who'll be my king?
           And just what would go "schwing?"
           Aren't we missing something?
 
KATE:      Guinevere, when you're with me
           We'll both have equal rights
           Won't be damsels in distress
           To please some macho knights
           We'll love each other
           With one heart and soul
           Best of all,
           We have no need for using birth control
 
GUINEVERE: Kate, it's you that I choose
           Let's wear comfort'ble shoes
           Men don't please me very much
           I desire a woman's touch
           You're the girl of my dreams
           I'm the new fairy queen
           C'mon, and kiss me, Kate
 

Sir Gawaine: the Orkney Knight
(Skimbleshanks: the Railway Cat)

Sir Gawaine, the Orkney knight
A knight of the table round
 
Gawaine found himself conveyed
To a world he never made
Trapped at UW all alone
So this knight in shining armour
Sought to find a girl and charm her
And you're that lucky lady, sweet Simone
 
Now Gawaine's had wives a-plenty
I remember at least twenty
All of whom hated him more or less
Which means either he's unlucky
Or that sex with him is yucky
But still his love for you I must express
 
You'd be worshipped without fail
Like you were the Holy Grail
You'd be more cherished than Ex-calibur
And to avoid your wrath
He would even take a bath
There is nothing he would not endure
 
But alas, Simone, it is not to be
And Gawaine is overwrought
Cuz he must leave you
Here in Waterloo
And return to Camelot

I Have a Plan
(Original Music)

LOT:    Ten years ago, King Arthur took the throne,
        And for such a little wimp he did all right.
        But now he's gone and conquered all of Britain,
        We don't have any enemies to fight.
 
PEL:    We can't afford more soldiers.
KAY:    We've had too much blood and guts.
LOT:    So tell me where's the glory, pray, in sitting on our butts?
 
        I, Sir Lot, as Minister of War, have a plan.
 
        What this country needs is a war to prove her military might
        And show those heathen foreigners who's best.
        From Scotland to Gibraltar to the shores of Tripoli,
        Britannia shall clobber all the rest!
 
        Am I the only one with any guts round here?
        Let's go out there and give it all we've got;
        The two of you are shaking in your boots with fear,
        And I'm the only one who knows what's best for Camelot!
 
PEL:    King Arthur took the throne ten years ago,
        And promptly spent the country into debt;
        But as sure as my name's Pellinore, I'm sure
        That I'll balance that confounded budget yet!
 
KAY:    Your cuts will hurt the peasants.
LOT:    It's a bunch of poppycock.
PEL:    At least I'd like to get this stupid castle out of hock!
 
        I, Sir Pellinore, as Minister of Finance, have a plan.
 
        What this country
        needs is a firm hand on the economic reins,
        Not the ravings of a warhawk and a crank;
        We need bloodthirst and compassion to be tempered with some brains
        Or we'll end up owing millions to the bank.
 
        Am I the only one with any sense round here?
        We're spending cash we haven't even got;
        The two of you have overspent again this year;
        I'm the only one who knows what's best for Camelot!

Modern University
(Modern Major-General)

CINDY:  It is the very model of a modern university
        Located in a very nice and easy-to-endure city
        It offers many subjects from Accounting through Zoology
        For both the fourth year cynics and the frosh who cry "Gosh! Golly gee!"
        I often find my courses so delightful and enjoyable
        Despite the fact they don't make me a smidgen more employable
        But when it comes to Stats class, my brain shuts down and cycles off
        The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Microsoft
 
CHORUS: The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Microsoft
        The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Microsoft
        The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Micro-micro-soft

CINDY:  Though its internal politics are quite the cloak-and-dagger scene
        It still gets rated highly by the folks at Maclean's magazine
        In short, when parents want a school to send their son or daughter to
        There's simply not a better choice than good old U of Waterloo
 
CHORUS: In short, when parents want a school to send their son or daughter to
        There's simply not a better choice than good old U of Waterloo
 
CINDY:  It is the very model of a modern university
        A campus full of buildings of an infinite diversity
        While some are simple in design like Physics and Optometry
        The steps in Needles Hall defy Euclidean geometry
        UW is famous for its nightmares architectural
        Like both the Davis Centre and the Engineering Lecture Hall
        And don't forget that Hagey Hall and that maze Psychology
        Are drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topology
 
CHORUS: They're drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topology
        They're drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topology
        They're drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topolo-polo-gy
 
CINDY:  Unless you get tuition paid by scholarship or bursary
        You won't be out of debt before your golden anniversary
        And should you fail to graduate, the registrar says "Sorry, eh.
        You'll have to leave UW and go to Wilfrid Laurier"
 
CHORUS: And should you fail to graduate, the registrar says "Sorry, eh.
        You'll have to leave UW and go to Wilfrid Laurier"

We Won't Let You Ignore Us
(We're Not Gonna Take It)

ALL:    Oh, you claim you adore us!
        But you're never there for us!
        We won't let you ignore us, anymore!
 
GWEN:   I like Oktoberfesting
        While you prefer Grail-questing
        Something must give, push come to shove
ISOLDE: And when I'm wanting foreplay
        You're only thinking swordplay
        If you make war, we don't make love
 
ALL:    Oh, we're not gonna take it!
        No, we ain't gonna fake it!
        Oh, you won't see us naked, anymore!
 
DEBBIE: Became a twisted sister
        To try and please you, mister
        You've a mother superior complex
ALL:    Forget these underworld friends
        Remember we're your girlfriends
        You don't choose us; you don't get sex
 
        Oh-oh-oh!
        Oh-oh-oh!
 
GWEN:   No crime! (Yeah!)
        No war! (Yeah!)
        Make time! (Yeah!)
        You'll score! (Yeah!)
 
ALL:    Oh, we're not gonna date you!
        But we might just castrate you!
        No, we're not gonna mate you, anymore!
 
        Oh, we're not gonna take it!
        No, we ain't gonna fake it!
        Oh, you won't see us naked, anymore!
 
        No way!!!

The Day The Kingdom Died
(American Pie)

ARTHUR:  Thirty-five years ago
         I can still remember how
         I pulled that sword out of the stone
         And all the peasants clapped and cheered
         I thought that it was kind of weird
         Til Merlin told me I had won the throne
         I gathered all the knights in armour
         Brought peace to each and ev'ry farmer
         I united Britain
         Or so the tale is written
         I was sexu'ly satisfied
         When Guinevere said she'd be my bride
         But that happiness was denied
         The day the kingdom died
         So

ALL:     Hear, hear, Camelot's disappeared
         The round table was unable to protect us this year
         We're drownin' our sorrows in pretzels and beer
         Singin' "Someday, this will all reappear
         Yes, Camelot will reappear"

MERLIN:  I can see a future time
         Where you're remembered in prose and rhyme
         Arthur, Lancelot, and the queen
         Yes, there'll come a day in the USA
         When you'll be compared to JFK
         Have stories on both TV and movie screens
         There's a film where you're stopped by police
         With Sir Lancelot played by John Cleese
         And King Arthur will revive
         To appear on Babylon 5
         On the Broadway stage, you all sing and dance
         Do production numbers when you get the chance
         My god, it's gonna be worse than France
         Again, the kingdom dies
         And we'll be singing

ALL:     Hear, hear, Camelot's disappeared
         The round table was unable to protect us this year
         We're drownin' our sorrows in pretzels and beer
         Singin' "Someday, this will all reappear
         Yes, Camelot will reappear"

Closing Song
(Take On Me)

Arthurian knights,
Little green men, and some miscues,
Cute guys in tights,
And lots of damsels for them to rescue.
Yes! That was FASS,
A show that's older than it's cast.
 
We can act --
                What's my line?
We can dance --
                In the back row.
We can sing --
                Oh, we can sing high....
 
We showed you Sir Kay,
Excalibur, the Grail, and Sir Percy,
Morgan le Fay,
And helpless students begging for mercy.
You've even seen,
Some jokes that started out in nineteen sixteen
 
We can act --
                What's my line?
We can dance --
                In the back row.
We can sing --
                Oh, we can sing high....
 
That was the show,
It wasn't penned by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
But you should know,
The script was finished in mid-December.
It may be raw,
But at least it didn't star Madonna.

We can act --
                What's my line?
We can dance --
                In the back row.
We can sing --
                Oh, we can sing high....