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FASS 2005: Our heroes -- FASSman (Will Russell), Aquamanuel (David Engkent), T.N. Guy (John Milne), and Lex Luchador (Daniel Bates) -- get crushed by a slow-motion anvil.

FASS 1981 - Songs

Opening Song
(Yankee Doodle Dandy)

This is the one and only FASS show
It's sure to make you laugh or cry
Don't waste your time on any drugs or booze
We're bound to give you a high
We've got talent yet still hidden
We want to show it all to you

Take your seats and clap your hands
Get in with the rhythm
We want to share it all with you.

We've got actors, singers, dancers,
They'll make your senses start to spin
A story written just with you in mind
Based upon sex, crime, and sin.
Full of puns and silly satire
Sure to make you lose your mind

Got your money, too late now
You will have to suffer
Na Na, Na, Na, Na Na, Na, Na.

Here's the lovely FASS sweethearts
And the studs that make them sigh
We've worked all year to perfect this show
Trying to make this verse rhyme
All our costumes now are finished
The props are in their proper place

Love our techies, love them all
They work so hard to make it
When you get them into bed
All they do is fake it.

Let's go on now with the show
Hope that it will seize you
Hope that we will entertain
We want for it to please you...

A Bit Of Oil
(Wouldn't It Be Lovely)

All I want is a bit of fun
Some Brillo pads
And some Three-in-One
So I can jump and run
Oh, wouldn't it be love-ly

Brand new fingers and brand new rears
Brand new circuits and brand new gears
And now and then some beers
Oh, wouldn't it be love-ly.

Rhinestone Robot
(Rhinestone Cowboy)

Well, I've been oiling my gears so long
Singing this same old song
It feels like I don't belong
Outside of a junk heap

But I'm not like these other jerks
I can do it if I try cuz I know I have my works
in a drawer

I'll go through many a rubber gasket
'Fore they lay me in my casket
And I'm gonna have me a heck
of a robotic time

I'm a Rhinestone Robot
Heading out on the road with a two-year warranty
A Rhinestone Robot
With two slipped disks and write only memory
And now I have an Arts degree...

The Bright Side Of Life
(The Obvious Song)

        Always look on the bright side of life,
        Always look on the right side of life.

ALEC:   I may lose my job,
        (be) Put out with the mob.
        No one hires a man with a degree.
        I've so little skill,
        That the only job I'd fill,
        Is teaching at a university.

        But, (ALL) Always look on the bright side of work.
        Even though your boss may be quite a jerk.


        If you're pinkie's cut off...don't scoff
        You'll get a dollar forty-nine...
        (You mean me?  Uh-huh.)
        Your policy will insure any part you injure
        Be it ankle, elbow, or middle fin-ger

        So if you sever a toe, let us know
        Becoming less will earn you more
SPIES:  More, more, more...
M&P:    You'll get more than you planned on
        If you've no leg to stand on
        You get a thousand bucks without a hand on.

        Of any part of your anatomy
        Just name it, maim it, then claim it
        You'll be reimbursed

        So if you happen to die, no need to cry
        We'll handle every last detail
        You need a grave, we'll dig one
        You want a wake, we'll rig one
        We pay for everything when
        You bite the big one...


SPIES:  We'll be reimbursed?
M&P:    You'll be reimbursed.
SPIES:  We'll be reimbused!
M&P:    You'll be reimbursed!!

Mister Screw
(Mister Kite)

CHAR:   For the benefit of Mister Screw
        I have come to torture you
        If it takes all night

SCREW:  The general is waiting there
        As slowly we pull out your hair
        What a sight

        And the thumbscrews to your fingers
        We'll apply
        With the greatest of delight

        In this way
        You will pray
        To tell all you know

WISER:  It's only fair to warn you two
        That you can scream until you're blue
        But I won't talk

        The pain and death don't worry me
        Since I've caught terminal V.D.
        From a jock

        So you can do your best to torture me
        And you will see
        You'd get more out of a rock

        You can stay for the whole day
        It'll do you no good

Lasers And Phasers
(Favorite Things)

Lasers and Phasers and nuclear weapons
Miniature landmines that you'll love to step on
Fiendish devices that blow you to bits
These are the things that we think will be hits

Robots and androids and sneaky torpedoes
Hand grenades, light sabres, aren't they just neat-o?
Gadgets designed to go off with a bang
These are the things for which this song is sang

When the bombs burst, and the guns fire
And we're feeling blue
We just design more of these devious things
And shoot them off right at you.

The Canadian National Unity Song
(Hallelujah Chorus)

Manitoba, Manitoba,
Manitoba, Manitoba, Saskatchewan.
Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia,
Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland.
British Columbia and Alberta!
(Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia.
Manitoba, Manitoba.)
Prince Edward Island and New Brunswick!
(Manitoba, Manitoba.
Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia.)

(Carling's Red Cap)

Toys and games and gadgets
Dolls and teddy bears
We love Fassablanca
We own all the shares
Profit is our motto
Money is our goal
For a million dollars
We would sell our soul.

Toys and games and gadgets
Dolls and GI Joe
We love Fassablanca
It rakes in the dough.


Happy Elves
(Jingle Bells)

Happy elves, happy elves,
Happy elves are we
Making toys for girls and boys
For a dollar thirty-three

Happy elves, happy elves,
Happy, yes indeed,
All day long we sing our song
'Cuz we're all high on speed!

Snorting up the snow, we'll keep our spirits high
On and on we go, working till we die.
Grossly underpaid and tyrannized as well
By ho-ho-hoing Santa Claus,
But we still think he's swell,

Oh, happy elves, happy elves,
Our bliss is not a fluke,
We'll laugh and sing at anything
It's enough to make you puke,

Oh, happy elves, happy elves,
We're devoid of wit,
Lobotomized above our eyes,
But we don't give a...


        Beeblebrox, Lickspittle, Crumhorn, Rasputin, Argbargle,
        Even though it sounds like someone dying trying to gargle
        If you shout it loud in someone's ear, it's sure to startle
        Beeblebrox, Lickspittle, Crumhorn, Rasputin, Argbargle.
        (Humdiddle-iddle-iddle, umdiddle-ay)

MAN:    I think that we have come here
        To a North Pole booby hatch
PAU:    Let's get out very quickly
        And make sure to lock the latch
BOTH:   In situations such as this
        We must protect ourselves
        Surrounded here by lunatics
        Who think that they are elves

A Spoonful Of Slander
(A Spoonful Of Sugar)

If you would like to make some dough
You must be ruthless, even though
People in the competition might complain
The folks in business know it's wise
To slander enemies with lies
With dirt, with muck,
Anything to make a buck...

Cuz a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down
The competition down, competition down
Just a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down
In a very spiteful way.

Well if your products aren't so good
Made out of plastic and plywood
That doesn't mean you can't come out on top
A bit of falsehood here and there
Gets other folks out of your hair
And then... you're free...
With a monopoly...

And a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down,
The competition down, competition down,
Just a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down,
In a very spiteful way.

Smear Them
(Both Sides)

Spread tales of blackest infamy
About that rotten company
Go visit every embassy
And fink on Fassablanc...
A lie or two in every ear
Will fill the generals with fear
They'll mount attacks so they can smear
The folks at Fassablanc...

Denounce the scum to both sides, Grinch
To East and West, so they will lynch
The competition we both hate
Arrange a very gruesome fate.

I'll grab the next reindeer express
And spread my lies from East to West
I'll cause a most unholy mess
For those at Fassablanc...
A little dirt will smear their name
Their protests all will be in vain
For they will lose but we will gain
By trashing Fassablanc...

Denounce the scum to both sides, Grinch,
To North and South, so they will lynch
The competition we both hate
Arrange a very gruesome fate.

Down With The Army
(Balls To Your Partner)

Down with the army, ask me if I care,
If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here
With people who aren't all there.
The generals, the generals
They order us to fight
But whenever the enemy
Comes into view
The generals aren't in sight.


The sergeants, the sergeants,
They teach us to survive, it's
So good for morale
To show he's your pal
The sarge plays with his privates.


The cooking staff, the cooking staff,
They're said to be the best,
But they hired them all
From South Campus Hall
And so our food's a mess!


The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
The dirty little nipper...
He doesn't belong
In an army song
And neither does the skipper!


We hate the army
We hate it quite a lot
But we'll certainly stay
If we run away
They're sure to have us shot.

Down with the army, ask me if I care,
If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here
With people who aren't all there!
If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here
With people who aren't all there!
If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here
With people who aren't... ALL THERE!!

Closing Song

Santa wants a corner on the market place,
But Fassablanca's doing very well
Their patent on the war has saved the human race
And so we're all alive and fit enough to yell

This was FASS, but it's through
Yes it's over!
We're closing down for eighty-one.
F-A-S, F-A-S, F-A-S-S!
We hope you've had a lot of fun.

The generals will go back to their swaggering
The life insurance folks back to the sub
The spies will go on with their cloak and daggering
And the pizza man will go out to the pub.


In a couple of days, we will all forget our lines
Assuming we don't mess things up
And forget them ahead of time
(Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho)

Happy ever after 'cuz the show is done
We'll take off all our make-up and our shoes
You will leave the theatre and you'll head for home,
We will head out to the party and the booze.


And if you want more giggles
Come back in eighty-two.  Wooh!